unrelated notes

I can't seem to give a title to a new post whenever i'm blogging one. The title's given for completion sake and it often suggests nothing about the post at all. I always thought that it's the content that matters most.

Titles can be misleading. They create false hopes which usually lead to disappointment later.


*sudden mind block suddenly*


Sis asked a very good question when i sent her the link of my blog for the very first time (i finally revealed the humble existence of my blog and warned her to keep her opinions to herself :P).

Despite being only two strides apart (she was just behind me with her laptop as our barrier), she found it necessary to im me. Cannot talk one.

"Why all/only words?"

Well spotted.

"...but i don't believe a picture speaks a thousand words. I never knew what Picasso was drawing all this while anyway..."

I almost wanted to add that I was also often confused whether Mona Lisa was actually smiling/smirking/grinning/blushing/constipating/etc as to defend myself for not having any pictures posted. But I don't see that my point made any sense.

She gave an exasperated reply (whatever!) and left the room.

Lol...as much as I expect pictures whenever I'm reading something, i can't help not obliging to post some when I myself happened to be the creator of that particular something.

Because pictures are or can be (usually are) as misleading as ornate titles, i thought.

Gosh i'm contradicting myself. Fine fine, just assume that I'm just too lazy and uninspired to post pictures.

Or maybe, my photography skills suck that I can't bear to have the photos taken by yours truly to be seen anywhere.

Or rather, my mediocre skills aren't exactly mediocre, i just need a simple DSLR to bring out the effects of what good photos should have. Hear that mum dad... :DDD

Stupid gadgets and stuff. Stupid iPhone 4G for existing. Stupid Apple. Stupid Steve Jobs. Stupid.... They make me lose my mind -.-

Ah, I'll get one in UK because they ought to cost less in overseas, or so i was told.

Wait till I'm granted with the right amount of $$. =D


On a totally unrelated note,

How i wish that somebody would ask me what I intended to tell so that I don't have to begin first. Some things are too hard to express without certain triggers you know.


On another related note,

I'm freakin' skeptical. Because i suck at reading minds and studying attitudes, I assume that everyone has their own unseen/unknown intentions be it evil or good.

See, i even typed EVIL before GOOD because i somehow always see flaws in a first impression. And i find first impressions to be VERY IMPORTANT.

I just can't go against my conscience and convince myself that everyone is naturally, good-natured. That way, I'm somehow mentally armed.

Not being pessimistic about mankind, just being realistic. :)

I've no idea where i got that from. Maybe everyone is. Talk about human nature.


Another unrelated note,

Intuition seldom works for me. Blame the not-being-able-to-read-minds thingy again.
But I still love believing in mine no matter how erratic it can be.

Or maybe, i just love to be believe in what i wanted to believe.

See?? I'm always the one making all the judgements regardless of any circumstances. I can be really biased and choose to ignore certain things deemed terrible by others just because my mind thinks otherwise.

The same thing applies to things deemed perfect/good by others. I would only find them superficial.


Another one,

I don't really have a checklist to ascertain people. As long as we get along well with each other, infeasible checklists are totally unnecessary. What i would need is time, time and time to familiarize myself with somebody because i learn through observations, not by the rules (rules too rigid).

And it usually takes heck of a long time to convince myself about something/someone. Can't help, blame the skeptical me again.


Final unrelated note thus far,

I'm awfully shy although i look hardly like one :)

i missed...

Since there are approximately 23 more days before my college commences, i thought blogging beats rotting on the couch. Obviously -.-

what to do what to do WHAT TO DO?!

I'd definitely choose to return to those nostalgic schooling days (heck, like i have any more chances) where I was preoccupied the whole time with god knows what. There was always something that made me busy or at least, made me feel busy, I couldn't tell.

Screw exams, school's lifeless if exams were to reserve too much attention. BUT, i really do miss the euphoria and sense of satisfaction whenever i scored well, be it by chance or by hard work (usually it's by chance :D) No I'm not bragging...but... wth, i really scored well in my exams what :P

i thanked god and i'm thanking god now and will definitely do it again everyday for all the great things that happened/will happen to me :)

Now I realised, everything actually works like a chain reaction. I worked my ass off in f5, got good results, and subsequently secured a scholarship.

Very predictable because initially, i began everything with sheer hard work that only made the consequences possible.

ok, THAT only applies to common folks aka me. Geniuses of every kind defy the whole theory. They don't really need to torment their brain cells to come up with a solution. They only have to sit in one dark corner, close their eyes, and dream (no offence at all, this statement is said with pure awe) So freakin' unfair. Lol. But then again, god is fair. Geniuses have flaws too although they often did a very bad job at revealing them. ;)


School life has always been fun. I missed school. I missed life (life's currently uneventful due to the fact that new life's not occuring yet) Suddenly...

i missed the mischief i committed in class together with friends.

i missed asking annoying questions that pissed off teachers.

i missed the unpronounced rivalry in class.

i missed the moments of eating under the desks.

i missed the times we convinced teachers to give us a break after every 10 mins.

i missed the sight of heads stubbornly stuck to the table during lessons.

i missed feeling guilty for not completing homework which subsided quickly enough.

i missed the hand gestures/facial expressions/body language when a sucky person is in the vicinity.

i missed the optimism of not winning in the competition we took part ; we just wanted to see how it went.

i missed walking from class to class as i wished just because i wore a tie and looked very important indeed.

i missed being subtly serious and stern during important meetings in which i would just turn behind and laugh my head off at any second.

i missed scoring high marks but yet, still unconvinced that luck's not involved.

i missed discussing answers right after exams and howled pitifully when i got wrong.

i missed making fun of my partner.

i missed telling people off simply because i felt obligated to do so.

i missed singing in class and got teased by friends, who eventually joined me.

i missed being hypocritical just to please certain people.

i missed advising people about certain stuff that i won't even do it myself - i said it only because it sounded right and other people would agree too anyway.

i missed wearing my uniform that fitted perfectly, as in with the most limited space.

i missed standing during assembly while everyone got to sit; my butt never got wet.

i missed witnessing some teachers' most embarassing moments by accident.

i missed offering help to do something simply because i wanted to escape from others.

i just missed school lah.

too bored...

Boredom's chewing me to bits...i'm freakin' bored BOred BORED!


ARGHHHHH!


What the hell was i thinking last year after spm? *i actually looked forward to doing nothing for half a year then...what a goddam fool*


Yea, i taught in a kindergarten (no, i didn't teach, i was unqualified to teach kids singing all TOO CHEERFUL songs and colouring drawings of fruits -.-) And i successfully went through hell for 5 days. FIVE DAYS, which were about 18x lesser than the days i'm supposed to work for. Or more like the days they would need me before chucking me.


Nobody can comment about the duration that i'd worked for.

If you were meagerly paid with 450 buck a month INCLUDING over time (what the hell, i only agreed on helping out during the morning session, not the daycare session as well which ends at 6.30 pm EVERYDAY) you know right away you gotta STOP this job. Comparatively, if i were to work till 6.30pm, the decent amount ought to be at least 600 +.


I mean, i should have been paid more for the extra hours helping kids to bathe and then feed them while they fidget indifferently. OR better still, RELEASE me once my work's done.


I hate that expression they gave me everytime i stood at one corner, all ready to go home. If i'd guessed correctly, it should convey something like "WTH, why are you standing there? We hire you to deal with these bloody hyperactive kids coz we sucked so much that we can't manage them ourselves. We don't give a bloody damn even though we know you're underpaid. Wanna blame someone? Blame yourself for being a complete noob in this kindergarten thingie and just to let you know, YES, we love to push the dirty job to you because it's about time you all-too-excited-noob taste what we've been through before finally being able to give you the hell we had."


I'd rather think that THAT came from the fat lady who warned kids not to BULLY ME. wtf? She made me so feeble and useless among the kids. And she wouldn't admit that the kids LOVE me better than her, that's why they behaved mischievously whenever i'm around. I'm not as rigid as that scary-looking fat ass who roars after all :D


And because i was a teacher's assistant and i'm supposed to do nothing but to assist in whatever i should be assisting in, that bitch made full use of my presence drying the wet spots on the floor, fetching stuff for her, tending to kids with undesirable actions AND saving the best parts for herself e.g eating the kid's food.


REALLY, she convinced the kid that she would help him unseal the packet of junk food, and AFTER doing so, she ate some of it right in front of the helplessly looking kid, with the most righteous look, like WHAT? I OPENED FOR YOU WHAT. AND TOO MUCH JUNK'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. Like it's any better for your fat ass.


Okay, i particularly despised that fat lady. Others were tolerable. Even that lady who served food was kind and friendly to me :)

The supervisor was really nice too (she was the one who made my job application successful. Job application indeed.) She was really understanding when I told her sheepishly that i wanna quit on the 5th day itself. My initial excuse was lame- i'd driving lessons to attend in the morning twice a week.

I appreciate the fact that she actually appreciated my help throughout the 5 days. She tried her best, i repeat, tried HER BEST to alter my working hours to 3 days a week instead of 5 (any days i claimed to have no lessons) WITH the same pay simply to suit to my convenience. How thoughtful! I felt guilty for causing all the troubles that inadvertently troubled her.


If the fat lady was the supervisor, i wouldn't even get past through the kindergarten gate, let alone getting the job.


As we discussed even more (with my real supervisor lah of course), i unconsciously revealed that the whole kindergarten environment was the real reason for my resignation. I confessed that YEA, I SUCK AT HANDLING KIDS. THEY'RE REALLY CUTE WHEN IT'S PLAYTIME, BUT THEY'RE TERRIBLE MONSTERS MOST OF THE TIME. I didn't say so matter-of-factly, but everthing was well hinted :D


My lovely supervisor kinda comforted (i felt comforted at least) , saying how dealing with kids is all about patience and experience. She totally understood how i'm not used to handling kids, 3-4 years old kids mind you. I couldn't agree more. But then again, i'm no expert myself in taking care of myself , let alone other individuals. (i'm not useless, just being frank :P)


So after having her finally convinced that i'm the least suitable person to take up the assistant job and that she should just let me go instead of allowing me to create more problems, we bade farewell and i silently swore to myself that i won't simply go looking for temporary jobs from now on-i hate to be a nuisance giving false hopes to myself and others :)


All the kids were asleep when i left. I really missed them then, but no so much now. what do you expect, i came in like an alien (the first day was full of curious faces) and left like a thief (as in, no announcement was made *and no mess was left behind too*..and i doubt the kids would understand even if one was really made anyway)


i kinda missed the teachers there too all except one. Yeap, the humongous bitch who takes pleasure in stealing food from innocent kids :D




Because boredom's really murdering me, i've decided to share this :)

to XXX :D

I've every intention to post this on behalf of an individual with an eventful and productive life thus far. =)

But heck, I was clearly forbidden to meddle with it, even in words. Boo!

Yes, I do envy what you've gone through ONLY because I don't have to go through it myself.

All the torture, all the sweat, all the worms...how beautiful life can be? =D

Oh, not forgetting the constant unexpected violence that you've to bear with as nothing more than a real bad joke.

lmao!

ok lah...as much as I want to elaborate more explicitly, I'll still keep my promise. :)

dilemma

A few months ago, I'd have given anything to be taken even the slightest notice by them.

And now, they finally did.

I didn't screw up anything after all. So much for the excessive worries and anxiety prior to the call :)

Undeniably an occasion to be celebrated, yes.

I mean, it would be one IF I'm informed about it a tad later, a few days maybe?

What supposedly should be a blessing turned into an inevitable HUGE dilemma.

My options are typically expectable, either

YES

or

simply NO.

How about yes now,

but no later?

Really, who are you to ascertain their true intentions?

What's with all the internal connections or links that you seemed privy to?

You questioned about equality? Oh c'mon, that's banal!

Why get so frustrated when they failed to fulfil whatever you already had in mine?

And began denouncing how terrible their policy is when just a few months ago, you literally went gaga over the offer.

Talk about sour grapes.

Title:My Repulsive Habit

I've a repulsive habit.



You know that inevitable urge that engulfs you that later prompts a desperate hunt for any snacks which subsequently leads you to yet another inevitable binge that often without fail, creates a guilty aftermath? The guilt evaporates surprisingly quick enough for everytime you begin to think of ways of vanquishing that crazy fetish, you would most probably be doing it with a chocolate bar in your hands.

The gluttony is almost like a seasonal good friend which you just can't simply ignore without causing yourself inadvertent deprivation (in this case, food). Once after its visit, you usually feel thoroughly satisfied and contented, normally with a little guiltiness throbbing hard against your psyche. After one day, when the fact that you've successfully given yourself in that urge finally sinks in, the miserable wallow begins. You'll most probably start questioning yourself for failing to resist the fatal temptation. You often get no answers. That's when you'll decide to put the blame on those helpless-looking food which you'd succumbed to in the first place. You just won't blame your fat-self for losing control over snacks or that enormous appetite of yours that allows you to devour six sate and quaffed a glass of water filled to the brim with three doughnuts on their ways to your gut. And also never would you say NO to anything that spells DESSERT i.e cakes, pastries, ice-creams and some other sinful delights.

Well, that's practically all about the repulsive habit that I had unfortunately cultivated.

Of confessions...

I hate it when I have to blog secretly i.e minimize the damn window when some one's within the perimeter.

I hate being so freakin' discreet about it when I know so well that its anonymity won't stay long.

I hate abandoning my blog for more than one day.

I hate to struggle with a new post.

I hate the thought of NOT making it public.





I hate myself for being a coward.